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Vitse-tråd

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76 Re: Vitse-tråd on Fre 11 Des 2015 - 11:23

Q: What present did the kid with no hands get?
A: Gloves. Ha! Just kidding, I don't know what he got. He hasn't opened it yet.

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77 Re: Vitse-tråd on Lør 12 Des 2015 - 17:50

https://vimeo.com/channels/jamesonfirstshot/143300136

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78 Re: Vitse-tråd on Lør 12 Des 2015 - 22:24

mekkern skrev:https://vimeo.com/channels/jamesonfirstshot/143300136

Nice!

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79 Re: Vitse-tråd on Fre 18 Des 2015 - 16:49

An English man, a French man, a Spaniard and a German are all standing watching a street performer do some excellent juggling. The juggler notices that the four gentleman have a very poor view, so he stands on a wooden box and calls out, "Can you all see me, now?"
"Yes." "Oui." "Si." "Ja.

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80 Re: Vitse-tråd on Fre 12 Feb 2016 - 12:35

A guy walks into a bar. He asks the bartender,
"Do you have any helicopter flavored potato chips?"
The bartender shakes his head and says, "No, we only have plain."

---

Mickey and Minnie Mouse go to divorce court.
The judge says to Mickey, "Mickey! You say your wife is crazy."
Mickey replies, "No I didn't, I said she was fucking Goofy!"

---

If the number 666 is considered evil
..is 25.8069758 the root of all evil?

---

My wife has an odd way of starting conversations.
She always begin by saying "Hey, are you even listening?"

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81 Re: Vitse-tråd on Fre 11 Mar 2016 - 12:21

A physicist sees a man about to jump off the Empire State Building...
He yells "Don't do it! You have so much potential!"

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82 Re: Vitse-tråd on Tor 31 Mar 2016 - 18:33

Var hos frisøren her i Oslo for noen dager siden, da overhørte jeg samtalen til ei jente ved disken og ekspeditøren. Jenta kom nok fra området nord i landet der hvor jhn bor:

Jenta: -Æ sku hadd ei flaske sjampo.
Ekspeditøren: -Er det til fett hår?
Jenta: -Nei e du tuillat, de e jo tell håre på haue.

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83 Re: Vitse-tråd on Fre 27 Mai 2016 - 13:36

Q: What is the difference between Dubai and Abu Dhabi?
A: The people in Dubai don't watch the Flintstones but the people in Abu Dhabidoooo!

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84 Re: Vitse-tråd on Fre 27 Mai 2016 - 14:47

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85 Re: Vitse-tråd on Fre 3 Jun 2016 - 16:53

Det var en som spurte AJ om hvor mange sexpartnere han hadde hatt. AJ starta å telle, men sovna etter kort tid. pig

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86 Re: Vitse-tråd on Fre 3 Jun 2016 - 17:19

mortal skrev:Var hos frisøren her i Oslo for noen dager siden, da overhørte jeg samtalen til ei jente ved disken og ekspeditøren. Jenta kom nok fra området nord i landet der hvor jhn bor:

Jenta: -Æ sku hadd ei flaske sjampo.
Ekspeditøren: -Er det til fett hår?
Jenta: -Nei e du tuillat, de e jo tell håre på haue.
Høres ut som ei fra nabolaget ja.

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87 Re: Vitse-tråd on Fre 3 Jun 2016 - 17:20

mortal skrev:Det var en som spurte AJ om hvor mange sexpartnere han hadde hatt. AJ starta å telle, men sovna etter kort tid. pig
tjihihihi Laughing

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88 Re: Vitse-tråd on Ons 6 Jul 2016 - 19:25

Idag var jeg en snartur innom en butikk og handlet litt, var inne max 5 minutter.

Da jeg kom ut, stod det en polltimann og noterte ivrig på blokka si. "Kom an, vær litt grei da", sa jeg. Han overså meg fullstendig,og gikk rundt bilen for å skrive ned skiltnummeret. Jeg hevet stemmen litt, og kom til å kalle han en jævla regelrytter. Han så på meg med et ondt glis mens han fullførte boten, for så å ta et nærmere overblikk på dekkene. De var jo noe slitte, så da begynte han å skrive ut enda ei bot, mens han gliste, jævelen. Da eksploderte jeg fullstendig og kalte han en føirrbainna hæstkuk.
Han la rolig begge bøtene under vindusviskeren, og da så han selvfølgelig at de også var utslitt. Frem med blokka for å skrive mer.
Da ble jeg lei hele fyren, så bare gikk rundt hjørnet og satte meg i min egen bil og kjørte hjem.


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89 Re: Vitse-tråd on Tor 7 Jul 2016 - 9:12

KliffArne skrev:Idag var jeg en snartur innom en butikk og handlet litt, var inne max 5 minutter.

Da jeg kom ut, stod det en polltimann og noterte ivrig på blokka si. "Kom an, vær litt grei da", sa jeg. Han overså meg fullstendig,og gikk rundt bilen for å skrive ned skiltnummeret. Jeg hevet stemmen litt, og kom til å kalle han en jævla regelrytter. Han så på meg med et ondt glis mens han fullførte boten, for så å ta et nærmere overblikk på dekkene. De var jo noe slitte, så da begynte han å skrive ut enda ei bot, mens han gliste, jævelen. Da eksploderte jeg fullstendig og kalte han en føirrbainna hæstkuk.
Han la rolig begge bøtene under vindusviskeren, og da så han selvfølgelig at de også var utslitt. Frem med blokka for å skrive mer.
Da ble jeg lei hele fyren, så bare gikk rundt hjørnet og satte meg i min egen bil og kjørte hjem.

DEN var god,overraskende poenger og Kliffern glimret med vidd og kunnskap...for en gangs skyld.....???? bounce lol!

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90 Re: Vitse-tråd on Tor 7 Jul 2016 - 12:18

intrudergubbe skrev:...og Kliffern glimret med vidd og kunnskap...for en gangs skyld.....????          bounce lol!

Hææ!!??

Føirrbainna hæstkuk Evil or Very Mad Evil or Very Mad


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91 Re: Vitse-tråd on Tor 7 Jul 2016 - 13:19

KliffArne skrev:
intrudergubbe skrev:...og Kliffern glimret med vidd og kunnskap...for en gangs skyld.....????          bounce lol!

Hææ!!??

Føirrbainna hæstkuk Evil or Very Mad Evil or Very Mad
Kjenner jeg Intrudergubben rett, ble han smule stolt nå

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92 Re: Vitse-tråd on Fre 8 Jul 2016 - 19:01

jhn skrev:
KliffArne skrev:
intrudergubbe skrev:...og Kliffern glimret med vidd og kunnskap...for en gangs skyld.....????          bounce lol!

Hææ!!??

Føirrbainna hæstkuk Evil or Very Mad Evil or Very Mad
Kjenner jeg Intrudergubben rett, ble han smule stolt nå

Får håpe det clown


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93 Re: Vitse-tråd on Tor 14 Jul 2016 - 14:10

Ble litt STOR på egoet da Kliffern sammenlignet meg med en hæstkuk.... bounce

En liten gutt var ute og gikk tur med mora si , og plutselig fikk de se en hest som gikk ute med tissen hengende..Å æ dætta under hæsten,mol ? -Detta er ingenting sa mora...

Et par dager etterpå var gutten på tur med faren,og spurte hva det var ? Detta er tissen til hesten,det silent ..Men a mor sa at det var ingenting ?

Mor di er bortskjemt hu , gutten min. Question

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94 Re: Vitse-tråd on Tor 14 Jul 2016 - 17:57

KnutR


Admin
Jeg var på tur neddi Sautjuv-land her om dagen.
Der kom jeg forbi et par karer som dreiv uttafor et kommunalt bygg. En grov et høl, og den andre fylte det igjen like etterpå for så å gjenta den samma operasjonen et par meter bortafor.
All den tid det var godt vær og jeg ikke hadde noen som masa på meg, så stoppa jeg opp og spurte hva det var de dreiv med?
"Joa" sier den ene karen og slang ei snusklyse i elegant bue bort på vinduet til ordførern - "Vi ærrber for kommuna, skar plante trer. Men hænn som sætt dom ner er klein i dag."


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I garasjen: Honda Shadow 1100, Honda CX500, Suzuki GS125, Yamaha RD350(den gamle, caferacer to be), relativt ombygd Moto Guzzi V50II med EML sidevogn (støttehjulsræseren), Suzuki CS50 (moppen til fruen), Garelli Eureka Flex (låvefunnet) + en container med deler til alle førnevnte. Har et bur til familiebruk, Peugeot 4007.
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95 Re: Vitse-tråd on Tir 11 Okt 2016 - 23:33

Don’t panic – Write a report…

The following report from a ship’s Master is reproduced by kind permission from the anonymous author who
appears to be gifted with remarkable “sang-froid”.
It is with regret and haste that I write this letter to you, regret that such a small misunderstanding could lead
to the following circumstances, and haste in order that will get this report before you from your own
preconceive opinions from reports in the world press, for I’m sure that they will tend over-dramatise the affair.
We have just picked up the pilot, and the apprentice had returned from changing the “G” flag up for the “H”
and, it being his first trip, was having difficulty in rolling the “G” flag up. I therefore proceeded to show him
how. Coming to the last part, I told him to “let go”. The lad although willing, is not too bright, necessitating me
having to repeat the order in a sharper tone.
At this moment the Chief Officer appeared from the chart room, having been plotting the vessel’s progress,
and, thinking that it was the anchors that were being referred to, repeated the “let go” to the Third Officer on
the forecastle. The port anchor, having been clearly away but not walked out, was promptly let go. The effect
of letting the anchor drop from the “pipe” while the vessel was proceeding at full harbour speed proved too
much for the windlass brake, and the entire length of the port cable was pulled out “by the roots”. I heard that
the damage to the chain locker might be extensive. The breaking effect of the port anchor naturally caused
the vessel to sheer in that direction, right towards the swing bridge that spans a tributary to the river up which
we were proceeding.
The swing bridge operator showed great presence of mind by opening the bridge for my vessel.
Unfortunately, he did not think to stop the vehicular traffic, the result being that the bridge partly opened and
deposited a Volkswagen, two cyclists and a cattle truck on the foredeck. My ship’s company are at present
rounding up the contents of the latter, which from the noise I would say are pigs. In his efforts to stop the
progress of the vessel, the Third Officer dropped the starboard anchor, too late to be of practical use, for it
fell on the swing bridge operator’s cabin.
After the port anchor was let go and the vessel started to sheer, I gave a double ring Full Astern on the
Engine Room Telegraph and personally rang the Engine Room to order maximum astern revolutions. I was
informed that the sea temperature was 53 degrees and asked if there was a film tonight; my reply would not
add constructively to this report.
Up to now I have confined my report to the activities at the forward end of the vessel. Down aft they were
having their own problems.
At the moment the port anchor was let go, the Second Officer was supervising the making fast of the after
tug and was lowering the ship’s towing spring down onto the tug.
The sudden braking effect on the port anchor caused the tug to “run under” the stern of my vessel, just at the
moment where the propeller was answering my double ring Full Astern. The prompt action of the second
Officer in securing the inboard end of the towing spring delayed the sinking of the tug by some minutes,
thereby allowing the safe abandoning of the tug.
It is strange, but in the very same moment of letting go on the port anchor there was a power cut ashore. The
fact that we were passing over a “cable area” at that time might suggest that we may have touched
something on the riverbed. It is perhaps lucky that the high tension cables brought down by the foremast
were not live, possibly being replaced by the underwater cable, but owing to the shore black-out, it is
impossible to say where the pylon fell.
It never fails to amaze me, the actions and behaviours of foreigners during moments of minor arises. The
pilot, for instance, is at this moment huddled in the corner of my day cabin, alternately crooning to himself
and crying, after having consumed a bottle of gin in a time worthy of inclusion in the Guinness Book of
Records. The tug captain, on the other hand reacted violently, and had to be forcibly retrained by the
steward, who has him handcuffed in the ship’s hospital, where he is telling me to do impossible things with
my ship and my crew.
I enclose the names and addresses of the drivers and insurance companies of the vehicles on my foredeck,
which the Third Officer collected after his hurried evacuation of the foredeck. These particulars will enable
you to claim for the damage that they did to the railings on No. 1 hold.
I am closing this preliminary report, for I am finding it difficult to concentrate with the sounds of police sirens
and their flashing lights.
It is sad to think that had the apprentice realised that there is no need to fly pilot flags after dark, none of this
would have happened.
For weekly Accountability Report, I will assign Casualty Numbers T/750101 to T/750199 inclusive.
Yours Truly….


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96 Re: Vitse-tråd on Fre 14 Okt 2016 - 10:49

Donald Trump answers the question: What is 2+2?
"I have to say a lot of people have been asking this question. No, really. A lot of people come up to me and they ask me. They say, "What's 2+2"? And I tell them look, we know what 2+2 is. We've had almost eight years of the worst kind of math you can imagine. Oh my god, I can't believe it. Addition and subtraction of the 1s the 2s and the 3s. Its terrible. Its just terrible. Look, if you want to know what 2+2 is, do you want to know what 2+2 is? I'll tell you. First of all the number 2, by the way I love the number 2. It's probably my favorite number, no it is my favorite number. You know what, it's probably more like the number two but with a lot of zeros behind it. A lot. If I'm being honest, I mean, if I'm being honest. I like a lot of zeros. Except for Marco Rubio, now he's a zero that I don't like. Though, I probably shouldn't say that. He's a nice guy but he's like, "10101000101", on and on, like that. He's like a computer! You know what I mean? He's like a computer. I don't know. I mean, you know. So, we have all these numbers and we can add them and subtract them and add them. TIMES them even. Did you know that? We can times them OR divide them, they don't tell you that, and I'll tell you, no one is better at the order of operations than me. You wouldn't believe it. That I can tell you. So, we're gonna be the best on 2+2, believe me. OK? Alright. Thank you."

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97 Re: Vitse-tråd on Søn 16 Okt 2016 - 21:27

To sauer gikk på en eng.

Så sier den ene: bæææ-bæææ!

Skulle akkurat til å si det samme, sier den andre


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98 Re: Vitse-tråd on Ons 16 Nov 2016 - 20:28

Ikke akkurat en vits, men morsom læll. Ha på lyd, hare heite:


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